Day 3 of my night shift. Lots of ups and downs in my emotions. But doing okay today.
I’ve been looking at this page multiple times over the last 2 or 3 weeks. Been meaning to post but not sure on what. Some days I wish I could use this as a more personal outlet, almost as a “diary” to express and talk about some very personal issues and thoughts but also not the proper place to do so even if it’s quite anonymous and prob like 3 people read these. So i could write about my deeper inner thought but personally still feel vulnerable. The main thing I’d want to express about is my relationship and my struggles with improving it, myself, and trust. All very difficult at this time between being summertime so I’m extremely busy but making extra $ and her (my fiance) starting her new career are making it difficult. Different schedules.
Once again I am working the midnight to 8 am shift but luckily it’s only for 7 days this time so that is once again going to put a strain on me and inturn our relationship. Let me say a side note how the weather right now is frustrating as hell! Yesterday it was hot and sunny and clear. Worked around the house and got most of the yard mowed and trimmed. The second I thought about taking my boat out on the water, dark clouds move in and tease for a while. Almost finish the yard work and it starts raining…….
Now today, have all daytime to take the boat out. Second I get out of bed. Gets overcast! The whole sky is covered with no end in sight amd even a few darks spots here and there. Arg. Why can’t the here hinges go my way for more than a hot minute. (In different ways and aspects of my life. Relationship, financial, general luck…)
I wish therapy was free… only time I did any counseling was family counseling when I was 13 ish and in college, both free to me but also in a way my college counseling helped a lot but at the same time it seemed that issues i struggled with or things I dwelled on they just played them down or tried to tell me ” that’s not that bad. It’s not that big of a deal” which helped a little but times I’ll still dwell on it. But I’m cautious of new therapy folk and obviously paying for it is somewhat strange to me in a way.
Not half way through my fantastic stretch of midnight to 8 am shift going 9 days in a row. (No overtime) my employer has this awesome thing where they can have you work 9 days in a row around not have to pay us overtine because of the way our pay weeks are set up.
Right now it’s around bout 1:50am ish. At 4 am it will be my half way point till I’m done. I just really dislike this shift and am tired and want to just be home around bouts soon as i get here.
So I got called into work early. Surprise surprise like always. So once I’m done reading this I’m going to get dressed in get lunch period but on the bright side that means I can come home early. I don’t know for sure how I feel about it but whatever it’s just a little frustrating because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I need to get my insurance paperwork together and that’s just been very confusing because they haven’t sent me just a normal insurance card so I don’t know what all ill need to take. it’s okay though I guess yesterday I got a ton of stuff done around the house or dryer has been giving us trouble and shutting off but I tore it apart and it didn’t help after cleaning it so there something else wrong but I got cleaning and dishes and stuff done. But I broke two of our drinking glasses which really frustrated me. And now the weather’s getting crappy for the rest of the week it’s going to just be rainy and overcast. Friday we have a World War II display to set up at my old high school and I’m hoping the weather will be nice. My buddy got a Willys Jeep this past summer and him and his dad were stored it and it’s pretty much complete now and driving so on Sunday we hung out and went driving pretty much all afternoon and it was fantastic. But it ended on a sour note. We were driving down this road saw box which is very unusual around this area and there was a total of three of us in the Jeep and we pulled over on some construction road and then after the fox disappeared my buddy drove up to the next field and turned around in the field and when we came back down some random guy came down and started kind of not even yelling at us but was just being a dick and he handled it really bad and then he was going to try and get my buddies license plate number period but as soon as the guy went to the back of the Jeep he took off and we peeled out of there I don’t know if he tried to follow us but it was pretty intense. But in the grand scheme of things it was for the best cuz my buddy didn’t have insurance for the Jeep just yet and the guy was being a dick cuz it’s not like we hurt anything. There was no cover crops it was a dead cornfield and it’s not like we did Donuts or anything I don’t even know if you could consider it damaging anything because it’s a small Willys Jeep. like I said the guy handled it badly and I’m glad we wind up running from him but it was still scary obviously. and even then if he called the cops what are they gonna do just give us a warning we were just turning around. That guy would have wasted like two or three hours of the cops time one or two hours of our time just because we turned around in a field. So the heck with him. Now I’m going to head to work. And once again I didn’t proof read this and I used my talk-to-text so forgive me for my horrible grammar.
I’m feeling pretty good. At least emotionally at this point physically I’ve been feeling half and half sometimes. This morning I felt pretty terrible and my guts were very happy but it pretty much worked itself out I guess. Work’s been kind of work and some things have been frustrating mainly when I work a mid shift people always give me trouble about leaving early if there’s not work to do. And the big thing is if we get something to work on at let’s say 9:30 and I’m supposed to leave at 10 there’s very few jobs that take less than a half hour. Most of the time it’s 45 minutes and up to do something so I always wind up being really late. But if we’re slow and I leave at 9 or 9:30 then it’s good but of course like I said they give me trouble about it. I think it’s just my co-workers being guys I guess in regard to busting my balls just to be a dick but I guess from what I’ve learned that’s just how guys are. Even though I’m a guy I sometimes don’t understand it. LOL. But emotionally I’ve been better as well today was great because I got to leave 3 hours early and I already ate and I’m back home with two hours early than normal. So since I actually have energy I’m probably going to clean up around the house some and at least maybe start the dishes because the kitchen is a disaster currently I was going to do them tomorrow. I pretty much turned into a housewife on my days off anymore. Just to keep up with stuff so Sierra doesn’t have to worry as much because she’s finishing up with school and that’s the most important thing right now period and sometimes I feel like it’s easier for me to do some of the work that it is for her I don’t know how but it just seems that way to me sometimes. So we’ll see how it goes.
As an adult I pretty much dislike being alone with my thoughts. Especially at night. When I was little, and even just younger I would think of all kinds of scenarios and such usally involve a girl I liked or thought was cute or just stuff that made me feel good, like saving class mates, building stuff or being a bad ass, etc. You know, all the normal stuff shy sometime self hating people do. Being the center of attention or being a big deal. Ah yes. Well its what I use to think of when I would go to sometimes elf keep. Usally 30 to 45 mins to fall asleep, then obviously as I got older, probably starting in high school I could not as much. Then in college it was… hmm so long as go it feels, just thinking about my future I guess, living the college dream. Prayed a lot at one point which is very uncommon. I was never very religious but my parents went about it in a good way I believe. Christian preschool, vacation bible school and a few years at Christian summer camp. And was left to decide for myself. Any who, It started when we lived in our apartment, mainly just paranoid of people breaking in but now with the house I usally think of all the projects that need done or at least need completed or someone breaking in etc. Pretty much one of my biggest fears even though it’s a great neighborhood and I’m well if not highly trained in firearm usage. But it’s just my domain. My house, my property. Legitimatly mine.
Also got a little side tracked, the main point of this post is to talk bout now sometimes when I’m alone driving or at work changing oil in a tractor trailer (takes an hour and a half to 2 hrs) I’ll get lost in thought and my mind being a bastard and human I’ll think of upsetting things and that’s all I’ll think about, then sometimes I’ll think of details, very vivid details of stuff I don’t want to know or think about but my mind does it and it’s frustrating obviously but also at times difficult to block out and can take up to 5 mins to get my mind elsewhere.
Darn auto correct has been a pain for me with this post.
Draft from 20 days ago. No body, just title…
Like i said i was at a loss for words. Something bad happened. So we’re going day by day.
Also to top off the fantastic last 2 months I’m sick and it’s actually getting worse after 3-4 days (usally don’t get sick but if i do I’m over it in 3 days max.) Also it’s st Patrick’s day and i can’t drink (tragic I know)
So yea. It’s peachy