I’m feeling pretty good

I’m feeling pretty good. At least emotionally at this point physically I’ve been feeling half and half sometimes. This morning I felt pretty terrible and my guts were very happy but it pretty much worked itself out I guess. Work’s been kind of work and some things have been frustrating mainly when I work a mid shift people always give me trouble about leaving early if there’s not work to do. And the big thing is if we get something to work on at let’s say 9:30 and I’m supposed to leave at 10 there’s very few jobs that take less than a half hour. Most of the time it’s 45 minutes and up to do something so I always wind up being really late. But if we’re slow and I leave at 9 or 9:30 then it’s good but of course like I said they give me trouble about it. I think it’s just my co-workers being guys I guess in regard to busting my balls just to be a dick but I guess from what I’ve learned that’s just how guys are. Even though I’m a guy I sometimes don’t understand it. LOL. But emotionally I’ve been better as well today was great because I got to leave 3 hours early and I already ate and I’m back home with two hours early than normal. So since I actually have energy I’m probably going to clean up around the house some and at least maybe start the dishes because the kitchen is a disaster currently I was going to do them tomorrow. I pretty much turned into a housewife on my days off anymore. Just to keep up with stuff so Sierra doesn’t have to worry as much because she’s finishing up with school and that’s the most important thing right now period and sometimes I feel like it’s easier for me to do some of the work that it is for her I don’t know how but it just seems that way to me sometimes. So we’ll see how it goes.

Alone time In my mind…

As an adult I pretty much dislike being alone with my thoughts. Especially at night. When I was little, and even just younger I would think of all kinds of scenarios and such usally involve a girl I liked or thought was cute or just stuff that made me feel good, like saving class mates, building stuff or being a bad ass,  etc. You know, all the normal stuff shy sometime self hating people do. Being the center of attention or being a big deal. Ah yes. Well its what I use to think of when I would go to sometimes elf keep.  Usally 30 to 45 mins to fall asleep,  then obviously as I got older, probably starting in high school I could not as much. Then in college it was… hmm so long as go it feels, just thinking about my future I guess, living the college dream. Prayed a lot at one point which is very uncommon.  I was never very religious but my parents went about it in a good way I believe.  Christian preschool,  vacation bible school and a few years at Christian summer camp. And was left to decide for myself.  Any who,  It started when we lived in our apartment,  mainly just paranoid of people breaking in but now with the house I usally think of all the projects that need done or at least need completed or someone breaking in etc. Pretty much one of my biggest fears even though it’s a great neighborhood and I’m well if not highly trained in firearm usage. But it’s just my domain. My house, my property.  Legitimatly mine.

Also got a little side tracked,  the main point of this post is to talk bout now sometimes when I’m alone driving or at work changing oil in a tractor trailer (takes an hour and a half to 2 hrs) I’ll get lost in thought and my mind being a bastard and human I’ll think of upsetting things and that’s all I’ll think about, then sometimes I’ll think of details,  very vivid details of stuff I don’t want to know or think about but my mind does it and it’s frustrating obviously but also at times difficult to block out and can take up to 5 mins to get my mind elsewhere.

Darn auto correct has been a pain for me with this post.

Pretty much at a loss for words

Draft from 20 days ago. No body, just title…

Like i said i was at a loss for words. Something bad happened. So we’re going day by day.

Also to top off the fantastic last 2 months I’m sick and it’s actually getting worse after 3-4 days (usally don’t get sick but if i do I’m over it in 3 days max.) Also it’s st Patrick’s day and i can’t drink (tragic I know)

So yea. It’s peachy

Not looking forward

I’m really not looking forward to my birthday this year…. it’s In like 2 days, and I have to work. Been working the midnight to 8 am shift. It’s a 9 day stretch and I’m about half way through but honestly right now I have no clue on what day # it’s is or even what day…

So no festivities,  dinner, drinking nothing for my birthday and for some reason the 23 is depressing,  it only goes down hil from here. I just wish I could have had off and been able to do what I wanted.  I feel the fact that I had this stuff planned THEN realized I worked a bond (no clue what I ment here) had to shoot those plans down really took the wind out of my sails. Prob just going to treat it like any other day.

(Also a draft I found. Before the first week of Feb when I wrote it. And yes my birthday did suck)