Alone time In my mind…

As an adult I pretty much dislike being alone with my thoughts. Especially at night. When I was little, and even just younger I would think of all kinds of scenarios and such usally involve a girl I liked or thought was cute or just stuff that made me feel good, like saving class mates, building stuff or being a bad ass,  etc. You know, all the normal stuff shy sometime self hating people do. Being the center of attention or being a big deal. Ah yes. Well its what I use to think of when I would go to sometimes elf keep.  Usally 30 to 45 mins to fall asleep,  then obviously as I got older, probably starting in high school I could not as much. Then in college it was… hmm so long as go it feels, just thinking about my future I guess, living the college dream. Prayed a lot at one point which is very uncommon.  I was never very religious but my parents went about it in a good way I believe.  Christian preschool,  vacation bible school and a few years at Christian summer camp. And was left to decide for myself.  Any who,  It started when we lived in our apartment,  mainly just paranoid of people breaking in but now with the house I usally think of all the projects that need done or at least need completed or someone breaking in etc. Pretty much one of my biggest fears even though it’s a great neighborhood and I’m well if not highly trained in firearm usage. But it’s just my domain. My house, my property.  Legitimatly mine.

Also got a little side tracked,  the main point of this post is to talk bout now sometimes when I’m alone driving or at work changing oil in a tractor trailer (takes an hour and a half to 2 hrs) I’ll get lost in thought and my mind being a bastard and human I’ll think of upsetting things and that’s all I’ll think about, then sometimes I’ll think of details,  very vivid details of stuff I don’t want to know or think about but my mind does it and it’s frustrating obviously but also at times difficult to block out and can take up to 5 mins to get my mind elsewhere.

Darn auto correct has been a pain for me with this post.

Advertisements

Pretty much at a loss for words

Draft from 20 days ago. No body, just title…

Like i said i was at a loss for words. Something bad happened. So we’re going day by day.

Also to top off the fantastic last 2 months I’m sick and it’s actually getting worse after 3-4 days (usally don’t get sick but if i do I’m over it in 3 days max.) Also it’s st Patrick’s day and i can’t drink (tragic I know)

So yea. It’s peachy

Not looking forward

I’m really not looking forward to my birthday this year…. it’s In like 2 days, and I have to work. Been working the midnight to 8 am shift. It’s a 9 day stretch and I’m about half way through but honestly right now I have no clue on what day # it’s is or even what day…

So no festivities,  dinner, drinking nothing for my birthday and for some reason the 23 is depressing,  it only goes down hil from here. I just wish I could have had off and been able to do what I wanted.  I feel the fact that I had this stuff planned THEN realized I worked a bond (no clue what I ment here) had to shoot those plans down really took the wind out of my sails. Prob just going to treat it like any other day.

(Also a draft I found. Before the first week of Feb when I wrote it. And yes my birthday did suck)

Nothing has changed

As the title says  nothing has changed, really in the grand scheme.  When we had a rough patch while the plumming was inop,  she said “I just want it fixed. It’s driving me crazy not being able to shower  here. Everything will be so much better if you get it fixed” plumming fixed,  notice no difference.  Got stuck on the night shift. Got off the night shift, nothing changed. We still barely see each other,  probably about the same.  Still have to wait at home for hrs waiting for her. I would either come home or wake up and she’d be gone. It’s just the same. I’m a little frustrated but I feel better because I’ve actually been  able to get stuff started and done around the house. But today sucked. I’m still sneezing my brains out, something set off my allergies. Bad. Hope it doesn’t turn into a 3 day endeavor because then I really will turn into a huge cranky dick. (Would you if you nose ran and you sneezed for 3 days straight)  If my fiance reads this, (sometimes she does) i just want to say most of the above is a general complaint. I realize I’ve only been off the night shift for about 4 or so days so well see. But once again, a lot of it is out of her control. Working prob like 25 days straight…. it’s hard and I really want to improve myself to help her and easy on her. Every little bit helps. Not getting upset with her, literaly expect her to pass out as soon as it hits 10 o clock ish. (Tonight she did) maybe 1045 ish but it’s also a first. That I can at least recall. She literally ditched me to soon Tay downstairs on the couch, I woke her up to come upstairs to bed with me (as I always do) and just stayed down there. Like hell even if we fight we’ll still wind up in bed together. Even the one huge fight we had I told her that “I think tonight we should stay in seperate location s” well I only lasted maybe 10 mins upstairs in the bed alone. The sound of her deep hard crying makes me sick to my stomach.  Literally one of the worse feeling I have. Then I texted her to come up. (She was in the wrong of the fight, she’ll agree with me and it’s my house, literally own it and can determine who sleeps were, not the sterotypical wife sends the man to the couch even if he didn’t do the wrong thing. She will 100% tell you to f**k off if you think it’s wrong for me to do that. It’s just part of how our relationship is.) But like I said she should have been punished Ie. Slept on the couch. Also I needed a night away to think but couldn’t because when I hear her cry its just, unbearable.  (Won’t talk about what happened either, but just get the jyst that it wasn’t a good time.) I honestly think if you ask her she’ll say I didn’t do enough but idk cause we don’t like to talk about it too much.

Well I hope I conveyed that issue effectivly without sounding like a piece of trash but my head is starting to hurt for some reason. I’m in bed all some lone while she’s downstairs. .   Amd my nose is running like that bolt guy who won the Olympics.  Lol. Have toilet pepper shoved in my nose. .. sigh. Well work tomorrow in the AM.

This shift is killing me

Finally! Tonihht is the last night of my 9 day stretch of midnight to 8 am shift.  (No overtime) it has been straight hell. It wasn’t terrible most days while working because there was plenty for me to do and could actually make some $ (if the didn’t fuck me on it) but other than the time I was working on something I was in hell and it definitely didn’t help home life. It pretty much made it terrible. Made me stressed, angry, bipolar,  and depressed. Wanting to fight with sierra and like lose it of or no reason and of course she’s working a ton and a bunch of days in a row between both jobs and completely opposite shift of me. Also so far I’ve left work on time, once. ONCE. and by the time I get home sierra is gone and a lot of the days she wouldn’t get off till 8 anyway so me being a dumb piece of shit  we spend our small amount of time being angry or upset. And she basically sleeps as soon a hits were done eating… so yea glad it’s over and really hoping to improve our relationship once things are kind of back to normal. It’s getting pretty rocky I might as well be off road in. …

Arg! Darn tech

Once again I had a whole post write out and even saved it and boom, gone.

Anyway I’m not looking forward to my birthday any more. Had dinner planned (somewhere different this year for once, lol) and then sierra got stuck working so right then and there I should have known it was going to go down hill. Also kinda want to do other festivities and drinking.  Turns a out I have to work as well. They have me on a 9 day stretch of midnight to 8 am including my birthday in 2 days. Also I’m turning 23 and just the sound of it makes me cringe. .. it’s just. … all depressing. I kind of would like to just pretend nothing happened and like it was any other day. Which at this rate is what I’m going to do. Not like I feel that important anyway.