by

Look how far we’ve come. Still struggling but in different ways

Over a year it has been… Amazing… so much has progressed. I finally got the car transferred out of my name and to my ex. In Dec 2018 and around that time I met someone. Finally a woman with a personality of her own that lined up with mine. We started talking in Dec of 2018 and started dating in Feb 2019 and were still together and living with eachother. Shes really been pushing and helping me to get my drinking in line. I would have  periods of good and bad by myself but a lot of it was just the habit. I enjoy it and sometimes I am bored without but I k ow it’s not healthy. Lately I’ve only drank maybe once a week or more with her permission. Saves me a lot of money. And also with the stores closed down because of the quarantine.

So as usal I’ve thought over and over the year of making a post and I never do… a secret way to express myself that i still dont fully use to express. I like the thought of random people hearing my problems and then just that. I worry of people hearing my secrets.

Now as I eat my McDonalds, parked on the street 75 yards away from them, as I always do. The whole reason I wanted to post was because this new show I found and watched all 12 episodes has me confused to the core.  I dont know if anybof you have experienced  this but I really remember when I first saw Avatar the movie I was in a funk and weird depression for at least a week. Where a movie or tv show grasps me so deeply that my mind is co fused of reality and depressed and I dont know how else to Express this feeling…

by

Remember remember the 5th of November

Wel km I still ha ent remembered all the things I wanted to write about. But October was slightly disappointing in the face I never got to watch hocus  pocus and play the drinking game as part of my October  tradition but I was able to watch Rocky horror  picture show. I had planned to make Casper part of this movie tradition but it is basically  my ex’s favorite  movie so it hits way to close to the heart for me at this time. Other than that I saw MetallicA  live! And it was amazing. They fucking played BLACKENED. Yu yeaaaaa. Then I slacked off again and didnt do my yearly viewing of v for vendetta  on Nov 5th like I usally do. I did watch that scene though. So also Ive been getting wednesdays off so I can cook for the one sportsmans club I belong to. They have a weekly shoot, basically  a full kit hen. Mainly basics like burgers, hot dogs, fries, etc. They do a dinner special. I enjoy cooking. Change of pace for me. Been joking about if all else fails I open a food truck. Who knows.

by

Many new things

Well as usal I meant to make a few posts in relation to a specific thing that happened but alas I have not. Suprise suprise. So this may be blunt/ belligerent… and as always I worry on putting too much out there due to people I know finding this. But to start a became very very close to sucking on the end of a shotgun. I was legitimately scared because I felt so stuck. Hate my job, my house, my life, myself. Cant move out but cant quit my job because it pays too well during the summer. My ex lied to me for 5 years and probably  cheated on me twice as many times as I knew about. Used me and was so toxic to me that I had to drink literally everyday. I shit you not for months I would drink beer liquor and wine all night everyday. Then used and lied to me some more and get my names stuck on a brand new car with her. Buy the car, month later my grandmother dies, in front of me, then a month after that we break up. 2 months! Also left me for a transgender person. So on top of that and being cheated on constantly  for 5 years I feel pretty worthless especially sexually. So all that mixed together and I started thinking about killing myself and boy it spiraled and got super bad. I was so scared I might decide one night to kill myself. As bad as it sounds I was planning to text my ex and tell her I had to meet her asap at my house and then make her find my body.

So yea pretty fucking dark.. I figured if I started writing a will and note I was done but I forget exactly  what happened but I snapped and my anger for her grew and didnt want her to control my life anymore. We weren’t even together and shes been controller my life. I couldn’t drive anywhere or do anything or even eat without thinking of her. I still do it more than I want but no where near as bad as it was. Just clicked out of that depression. Still in disparate at these slacker women with no bbn personality but I also took a break from trying to meet and talk to new girls due to being completely ready even though I want to be but I’m damaged goods. Working on myself slowly everyday and just have to get the car out of my name. I gave her until dec 14th and were getting out of my name. If not I’m taking the car and getting it taken out of her name.

So I think even after I get married I’m going to not share stuff like that ever again. Only one with my kids…maybe

by

The night is always darkest before the dawn

I hope that’s true because honestly  it’s pretty close to pitch black right now. Planned to make another post but things are progressing  different. Long day at work much stress. Well I realized that if I drank a lot it would turn bad in the way that I get depressed and angry about my life. The ex. Just dreadful hopelessness. Well I think today showed it’s all the time. I figured I drank too much but I got home made dinner, showered, watched naruto and tried to sleep. Couldn’t. Then started the first step in learning to meditate (not good timing I know but..) kinda helped then when back. Then went super dark….

So when I drank a lot I’d get to that state and lately I’ve been thinking of killing myself. It concerned me but it’s not my first rodeo. Just now it seems my life is more hopeless. I usally used my family because I love my parents so much but it seemed lately the pain of life surpassed that. I hate my job, I hate myself, I hate my ex, I loved her with all my being, I’m stuck with a house and all the Bill’s which means I’m stuck at my job (pays too well for the area. But need it to survive) and just falling from so high. (Even though we were doomed because I caught her cheating too many times and held too much resentment against her) just the women in today’s world are mainly… not good. Sounds so shallow and my examples sound worse perhaps but the lack of respect to me (from the ex) the lack of loyalty. All I hear or see is a women abusing that. Pushing the boundaries. Cheating lying. Getting knocked up and the father to split asap. Why is it so hard to use protection. Unprotected  sex  should only happen in a serious  committed  relationship and it’s so much more intimate where if you’re doing it for pleasure.  Wrap it. So many single mothers. Why am I the asshole for wanting to raise my own child and not some dead beat fuck stick. But then trying to find a single woman who is attractive to me and is willing to live the rest of their life with me while committing to only me and “settling” for someone whos the real deal. (Obviously  you wanna date and make sure you match and work well)  idk I got far off topic..

I just want a girl who doesn’t have a kid. Finds me as attractive  as I do them. Hope then they fit me personally in many ways but also to be their own person who challenges me. And is as open and trustworthy and kinky and weird as I am. The shitty part is my ex was almost so god damn perfect for me it was just the fact I think shes bipolar or something cause the one side for then the other mystery  side of her was the 9ne that lied and constantly was cheating on me and trying to hook up with ANYONE that she could get away with. That was the downfall. And I hate to be “that guy” of dwelling on the ex. But like where the hell am I going to find the better version? Cause at this rate if I do find that women, shes going to save my life because other than that I’m dead inside.

Like having a “fake” partner did wonders and I wondered if that’s why I’m stumbling. I have a friend who basically became fwb. She would come over maybe once every week or 2. Spend the evening  together and cuddle. Watch a movie and mess around. (Only did this maybe 3 times. But still) just having that interaction kept me grounded, could relieve those feelings and emotions  and just have that company and it made being alone easier but it’s been months and now they are salty about it of “that wont help you”  idk maybe. maybe not.

I just hate how therapy is basically like talking with friends and family. “Oh it’s normal you feel that way” or the “itll get better/ easier” I’ve been the one saying that before. “You’ll find the right person” mother fucker how?! Lol .. but you think a therapist  would have tools idk. I’ve only seen one in college and was free. I cant really afford one and im apprehensive.

It all just seems like a sick joke. I literally  cant go anywhere or do anything without  thinking of her or someone she fucked. Cant sleep. Always bringing me down.

Idk hopefully  this purged enough emotion and I can just sleep. I’ll feel great in the morning but by the time I get home to go to bed I fear I’ll be back here in this loneliness.

by

I guess I’m cheatable

Seems like every relationship I’m in I get cheated on or used. Am I that worthless? Fuck me idk. The night before we head out to the largest ww2 reenactment in the country and I get more bad news. I feel about as big and useless as an ant… I need a new life parnter…  bad.

by

In your head

I haven’t been able to write a large post yet but.. I’m single. Have been since may. It’s been just another extreme obstacle to overcome. I really need to write about this. I’ve always just been so nervous of staying anonymous but I really should just let it pour. But regardless  what’s giving me issues now is the loneliness at night. Especially sober. (A whole other story) I never lived by myself. It sucks so much. I dont know how people do it but that’s all i knew. Arg i just hate being alone..

by

Yee of little faith

I’m getting more and more distraught in people especially women.  I keep finding more and more of people lying and being unfaithful.  Makes me sick. Women who are engaged or married.  Being on bumble or tinder while in a relationship that isn’t an open relationship.  Like wwoooooowww how are you supposed to trust anyone. ..

by

Surprise. Night shift

Guess what, on the night shift again. Which again is complete bull. The last time I updated this was august and I worked 2 weekends in a row and the last one I worked 3 days. Now everyone work 2 days for the weekend and we rotate who works it. So 5 to 6 plus weeks well I got the 2 in a row and now 9 weeks later I’m working it 4 days in a row. Cause fuck me. Today is 3 of 4.

So works been okay, my biggest thing currently is this BS night shift. It sucks in general but to add to it is I’m losing $$ since I’m not working on trucks.

Sierra and I have been doing pretty darn good and things are going and looking great. She’s just keeping very busy with work but she likes her job a lot and the company cares about their employees which is fantastic.

by

Done.

Finished my shifts of nightie.  The nice part with the end is I’ll get done, home and in bed about 930 ish and sleep for a few. Wake back up at 1 ish and then have the Rest of the day to do stuff.

Since I haven’t mowed since the beginning of the month I HAD to do it today.  I’m honestly suprise I didn’t get a letter from the borough telling me I had to cut it. It was that bad. Also ran the recycling out,  got a quick bite. Tidy up a small bit I  the house and am going to take my boat back to my parents for the winter and also get my obscene amount of glass recycling taken out. My county no longer recycles glass and it’s been over a year and I can’t bring myself to just throw it away when I can take it to the township right across from my parents in the next county over. So it will be nice to get that done.

Then awesome fair food and truck pulls!